I hope this finds you super well. Please promise you won’t get mad (!)
but I need to tell you something.
You see, I’ve been painting in circles trying to tell you what I don’t
know how to tell you. I’ve been doing what you said (i.e. PUT ON A
HAPPY FACE and THINK POSITIVE) but if I’m being 100% honest
my face is starting to hurt due to some things I’ve been worrying
I promise, it’s not you it’s me.
You told me to CHILL and GO WITH THE FLOW and so I’ve been
working super hard at it! I got a bottle of red wine from Trader Joes
(don’t worry it was just Merlot, the “Two Buck Chuck” and I put it on
my debit card thank you very much) and I thought of your mom’s little
wooden placard above the microwave (the one from Target with the
twine and the curly cursive et cetera that says IT’S WINE THIRTY).
And I closed my eyes and smiled really hard and tried to be that kind
of lady. The same kind who probably has a LIVE LAUGH LOVE
throw pillow and says TREAT YO SELF and flips her hair back doing
that big open-mouthed lots-of-teeth laugh thing (à la Julia Roberts).
The same kind who tells it like it is (à la Shania Twain saying THAT
DON’T IMPRESS ME MUCH to whomever).
I’m really sorry but I don’t think I can be that kind of lady. See,
sometimes I get worked up and tongue-tied and I don’t want to say it I
just want you to know how I feel.
I guess it’s like...
Remember when we were at that very beautiful very scenic beach which
is dubbed “America’s Greatest Family Resort” and you got sand in
the ham sandwiches despite my asking PRETTY PLEASE USE THE
NEW ZIPLOC® HOLIDAY FREEZER BAGS THAT I BOUGHT
ESPECIALLY FOR THIS EXPLICIT PURPOSE (the ones with the
easy open tabs) and I did not want to say anything so I made that face
which was meant to say EXCUSE ME MISTER I AM CHOMPING
ON SAND HERE AND IT IS VERY MUCH DISTURBING MY
CAREFREE ENJOYMENT OF THE SPLENDID VIEW. It is the
same face my mom (bless her heart) used to make if the meat was not
cooked MEDIUM WELL LIKE BASICALLY WELL DONE and she
would chew very slowly and with lots of eye contact saying I AM NOT
MAD I AM JUST DISAPPOINTED.
Or maybe it’s just like this...
When I stub my toe PLEASE DON’T LAUGH and please (!)
acknowledge this brief and unpleasant indignity visited upon my
Anyways, I guess I’m not really mad so NO HARD FEELINGS, we
don’t need to talk about it, no worries. I guess at the end of the day I
just have MIXED FEELINGS and thought I should tell you.
Thanks in advance :-)